we all want to be noticed by others

I know my blog has been kinda quiet lately. I guess that's a good thing. It means I'm at peace inside. I often use writing to work out angst in my heart. So no angst......less writing.

Thanks for being faithful to check in.

Here's a link to a columnist that I love. He really speaks of heart issues that all of us experience but often don't know how to put into words. This column particularly spoke to me. Maybe it will to you, too:

http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/archive_display.php?rec_id=384

Happy Advent!

Cross Standard

With the feast last Sunday of Christ the King, and a women's conference I attended last week about being the daughter of the King, and watching a movie about Joan of Arc last week and the second Lord of the Rings movie (whew! long sentence), I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a daughter of the King. And Kingship. And His kingdom.

I get to meet the King someday, maybe sooner than later. And this is not a stranger King, this is a King that I know!

And I got to thinking .....how do I want to dress to meet the King (hypothetically speaking, of course)? Would I want to be dressed in my fanciest, finest clothes, or would I want to be in my battle gear, my coat-of-arms, bearing His standard?

I was thinking that I would like to meet Him in my battle gear bearing his standard. And then I read this quote from the book, "The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur." It is taken from a letter she wrote to her godson on the occasion of his first communion. She says,

"You ought not to be a laggard in the Christian army, but one of those stout-hearted leaders of men who encourage others and plant their standard--the cross--more or less everywhere in the world and in the souls of men."

Whoa. In my image of meeting the King, I'm carrying the standard in the form of a banner. But of course the King's standard is the cross. He promises us suffering for His sake on this earth. And we share in the suffering of Christ as the church militant.

It's just a more humbling image. I still want to bear his standard. But do I have the strength to bear it to the end if it is a cross??

God Redeems Our Weakness

Whew! What a week. I was so emotionally exhausted this week, I couldn't bring myself to blog. Even if I could, words would not have done it justice. Suffice it to say, I had some very profound experiences through work.

Anyway, during my devotion time this morning, I found a meditation I had torn out of a book last year and placed in the cover of the book I picked up this morning. For some reason the thoughts struck me today again and I wanted to share parts of it here. I cannot take credit for the thoughts. It was written by a man named Father Jacek Buda. He starts of talking about the color gray being the color of dullness. And then he goes on:

"The problem is located somewhere between great sin and great love, in the vast haze of imperfect friendships, unfulfilled promises, incomplete victories, plans delayed to infinity. It is a constant, omnipresent weakness, an endless capacity for mediocrity. Our dreams rarely come true--and when they do, they are just a pale shadow of what we expected. Our loves and friendships, though intense and full of promise, are also fragile and full of deception. How many times have we caught ourselves trying to possess or to manipulate other people? How many times have our prayers for others been nothing more than showing off for ourselves? What scares us the most is the suspicion that this is all it means to be human.

....This means that the way to get out of the gray is not to be afraid of it. If we accept our life, our loves and friendships and our work for what they are, and if we have the courage to receive them with all talent and energy, then past the haze of mediocrity, boredom, and even suffering, I will see Christ. Christ's humanity is not a limitation or an embarrassment; it is the way in which God chose to save his creatures. His cross is not a failure; it is his victory and hope for us. Christ is the Son who became man so that 'the Father may see and love in us what he sees and loves in Christ.' Thanks to him I don't have to be afraid of my weaknesses and limitations. As long as I don't give up, I am on the road to him."

My thoughts now (to myself as I strive to progress along the continuum of loving ever more purely and less selfishly)......

Examine your relationships. How do you use even good things to pull to have needs met for yourself that should be met through God first? In those ways you are not loving purely, unconditionally.

God, help me with this.

(I'm sick of praying this prayer and look forward to heaven when I won't need to pray it any more!!!)

What's the Differing Factor?

I think I've mentioned before that our family watches Extreme Makeover: Home Edition together every week.

Some of the families they choose have some major struggles yet continue to give to others.

It makes me wonder.....what makes some people who suffer reach out to help others while other people who suffer enter into despair??

Sacrifice

We all get discouraged when we fail. I've been more disgusted with myself lately. I just asked God the other day, "God, how is it that my focus goes from outward to inward in an instant?....not knowing it has happened until the retrospect?"

This is what I am constantly submitting to God through prayer, through fasting, through self-discipline and self-denial. It will take a lifetime to kill the selfish nature in me. I cannot wait until heaven for this reason. The effort is exhausting and sometimes overwhelming.

I read some things this morning that encouraged me. St. Therese of the Child Jesus (1873-1897) was talking with St. Therese of Lisieux (who died in 1897) about what it meant to be the greatest. St. Therese of the Child Jesus said:

"To be little is not attributing to oneself the virtues that one practices, believing oneself capable of anything, but to recognize that God places this treasure in the hands of his little child to be used when necessary; but it remains always God's treasure. Finally, it is not to become discouraged over one's faults, for children fall often, but they are too little to hurt themselves very much."

I can easily fall into the trap of discouragement and focusing on my failures. But by God's grace and mercy I get up and continue on.....knowing I will fall again but not wanting to. Any good in me is only because of God. Because I know I cannot do it myself. I'm reminded of that over and over again.

The other thing I read was about how love is nourished only by sacrifices. This makes sense, doesn't it, in light of the cross? Consider these statements:

"Love is nourished only by sacrifices...If one is completely dedicated to loving, one must expect to be sacrificed unreservedly. I have no other means of proving my love for you, O Lord, other than not allowing one little sacrifice to escape, not one look, one word, profiting by the smallest things, and doing them through love...In suffering and combat one can enjoy a moment of happiness that surpasses all the joys of this earth." (St. Therese of Lisieux)

and

"Human existence is a consuming of oneself 'for' something. This is the human being's greatness. Happiness comes through sacrifice. And the more one accepts this, the more one experiences a greater completeness already in this world." (Msgr. Luigi Giussani)

Sigh. It's a constant ideal to strive for, falling far short every day. But God, that's what I want to be like.

How long will it take? Have I made ANY progress at all?

What Will it Cost Me?

I was talking with a friend about a story we read about a Korean woman who was killed in 1839 by Korea's pagan regime. She and her husband were arrested for their faith (catholics were being persecuted during this regime) and imprisoned. While in prison, she was made to listen to the screams of her twelve-year-old son being tortured in an adjacent cell. Her cruel captors would torment her further by describing to her afterwards how they had tortured her child. She was beheaded at the age of 36 because she would not renounce her faith.

Having children, my friend and I wondered whether if faced with a similar choice we would choose faith or our children.

We pray we never have to make that decision, and also pray for those around the world who even today have choices like that to face.

Today's gospel reading is related to this. It is from Luke 14: 25-33. I'll let you read it for the details. Basically, Jesus addresses the crowds and tells them that if they choose to follow Him, all else comes second--family included. And then he asks who, if planning a project (I'm very much paraphrasing here) does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion.

You think about your choice, you understand what it can cost you, and you continue forward--not in blindness, but in full understanding of the consequences.

Following Jesus is not for the faint-hearted. It is not a "happy" life, per se. It is joyful, and full of peace, but Jesus did not promise us happiness on this earth. We are asked to follow a God/man who leads us to the cross.

I've been praying since age 17 that if presented a situation where my choice to follow Him could mean I give my life, that He give me the grace and strength to say yes to Him. I pray now that if presented a situation where my choice to follow Him could mean my children lose their lives, that He give me the strength and the grace to say yes to Him. To give life for Life.

Because without Him, nothing else matters or has meaning. Not even my children's lives.

Resolutions I relate to

I've said I'm reading a book called "The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur". Her heart so resonates with mine, and I thought today's post would be the section from her diary I read this morning. This is a bit long, so I apologize, as I've been trying to keep my posts short and sweet. This is more for my benefit, as much of it about loving others hit home to me today.

My resolutions: to love despite the disappointment, rejection, and misunderstandings. To keep my heart soft.

Here's her entry from October 7, 1905:

"Firmer resolution to have deep inner stability, and to accept as a trial that does not touch the depths this assault of troubles, agitations, and confusions that, to be sure, have their cause in my health, and also the painful disappointments caused by certain persons. To love those who have betrayed my confidence and made me suffer, or at least to pardon them fully. Not to assign to others my own faults, but to accept the humiliation of having given my confidence too quickly and of having committed these faults. For the future, without discouragement or bitterness, to practice great prudence in regard to work and new connections, and in all things to observe the greatest moderation. To give myself to everyone in charity, but not to let everyone enter into my heart, which I must not open too lightly. To welcome an affection only when I have solidly proved its value, and yet to have kindness for all. Never to compromise with ideas and principles, and yet to be full of indulgence for those who differ most widely from me in their point of view. To maintain, by prayer and daily effort, integrity of will and moral energy in spite of the oppression and failure caused by ill-health. It was, I think, Bichat who said, 'The soul makes its body.' And when God dwells in the soul, how shall it not be stronger than the very evil that acts upon its body and sometimes overwhelms it?"

My 93-Year-Old Teacher

Things I was reminded of today:

You can still see without your eyesight. You just see different things.

A half hour of focused attention and listening reduces the lonliness in a human heart.

Our God-given desires to love and be loved do not diminish even in older age.

We are not our bodies solely. But they are our vessels on this earth, and we are subject to their limitations. And we don't have to like it.

Everyday we have opportunity to submit to God's will. 93-year-olds get more practice at this. And it may still be a struggle.

Our quest to determine the meaning and purpose and impact of our lives does not fade with age.

I feel an envy for a 93-year-old with a terminal illness because as far as I know, she gets to see Jesus face to face before I do.

Why does God allow suffering?

Why, indeed?

Except that He loves us. More than we can even imagine.

And that He has in mind what is in our best interest for eternity. For our souls. Not just for our emotional or physical comfort here on earth.

He is constantly shaping us into the masterpiece He originally intended us to be. Before original sin distorted his artwork.

And having sharp corners removed from ourselves is not comfortable.

But are we seeking comfort, or are we seeking to be more like Him???