Why am I surprised?

I've been really irritable lately. Most of the time I have the self-control to not allow my tongue to do the lashing it wants to do. But not always. And then I regret and become even more irritable.

And then it hit me yesterday. I know the reason I'm irritable. It's grief. For me, it's easier to be angry than it is to cry. It also feels easier to keep my grief private than to have to process it with people at a time that's not my choosing.

Mom died in December--only almost 5 months ago. I miscarried our fourth child last month in very early pregnancy. I thought I was grieving well.

When I'm under emotional duress, I know I tend to retreat to find solitude. It's what I need. It's how I heal. But I haven't allowed much solitude lately and I'm still thinking about why that is.

I've worked with grieving people in my profession for the last 17 (!) years. Why does it surprise me, then, that my grief comes out as anger and irritability?