Saturday, September 29, 2007

Just Some Saturday Afternoon Meanderings of the Mind

I know I've been praying for humility, but I don't really want God to answer this prayer.

God gave me the gift (??) of being able to analyze things. It made me good at math. I was good at drafting--I was going to be an architect. It has made me a good counselor in hospice work. Sometimes it makes me a good partner in a relationship.

Do any of you have this gift (??)? You may have this gift (??) if you have ever had people over the course of your life say things to you like:

"Lighten up!"

"You think too much."

"You need to let loose a little and be more fun."

and (in response to a question)..."I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it before."

Sometimes I feel abnormal, but then when I think about the word abnormal, I realize it really isn't an accurate word because I don't know what "normal" is because all I know is what I know--not other people's "normal". Sigh.

Today this gift (??) is driving me batty. I'm sick of myself. I wish I could kick myself out and have a break from myself. Self--get out! didn't work.

It all ties in with humility. I'm thinking about a way I have let some friends down. There's really no resolution outside of deeper humility, more strict hiding of self, and greater selflessness and humility on my part. The thing I keep thinking about is that I know I will fail and disappoint again and that I don't like how I feel and that God is actually answering the prayer I prayed to him to be more humble. Gaaah!

(side note: be careful what you ask God for in prayer)

But I'm just plain sick of thinking and turning this around in my head.

I wish I was like someone who'd say, "Just let it go. Let it roll off your back."

So as an act of the will I now say, "Thank-you, God. And continue to make me more like you. Purify my heart. Give me the strength and grace to love others as you love them, and let it not be about how I want to be loved."

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