Slothing

Can sloth be made into a verb like slothing? That's what I was doing today. Oh I got 3 loads of laundry washed, and 8 loads folded. I balanced the checkbook. I got e-mails and duties caught up. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. I watched my dear goddaughter for a while.

But

I

am

slothing,

aka

feeling

very

slothful.

Maybe it's the dreary, rainy fall day. Maybe it's the feeling of lonliness that set in today for no apparent reason. (I'm always amazed one can feel lonely in the midst of people.) Maybe it was the ordinariness of the day......constant fighting with myself not to seek excitement anywhere other than God.

For the most part in that way it was a successful day. Nothing like a little fasting and abstinence in some way to remind the self that there is more to life than this one.....that there is HOPE coming, even if the time of it is uncertain.

I think heaven will be no more fighting against the tendency towards discontentment of the heart. Self will be put in its place in heaven.

How far is it, anyway???

Touching Someone Touching the Next World

Ever have a conversation with someone with one foot in this world, and one in the next?? (And I don't mean a bleary-eyed, non-morning person, either!)

I had one today. It always intrigues me.

Today upon arrival at a home, the family was telling me how their mom (a hospice patient) had been hallucinating all day. When I inquired about details, they said she'd been talking to family members who had died years ago. She would reach into the air and grab at nothing (seemingly).

She kept asking, "Who did that?" Her kids could not get out of her what "that" was. And the patient, we'll call her M, became agitated when they would not tell her and kept trying to get her to explain herself. M just kept repeating her question. I said, "M, we don't know who did that." And she settled back into her pillow, staring at me but not at me, and said, "God did that." And a slight smile came over her face. And then she said, "do you hear that?" And I replied, "What do you hear?" M said, "it's beautiful." And by then her daughter had caught on and was supporting her in conversation instead of trying to get M to explain herself.

I know she was hearing things and seeing things that I could not hear and see. And to kneel below her, holding her hand looking up into her face and glazed eyes gave me the goosebumps. To be that close to someone so close to the next world awes and fascinates me.

One cannot be a hospice worker and believe this life is all there is.

A bit later in the visit at a more lucid moment, I said to M....."remember the past few weeks how you've been telling me that you are ready to go home to Jesus and that you don't know why He has not taken you yet?....well I think you're gonna get to meet him soon. And to tell you the truth, M, I'm a little envious."

Her little smile was priceless.

What Will it Cost Me?

I was talking with a friend about a story we read about a Korean woman who was killed in 1839 by Korea's pagan regime. She and her husband were arrested for their faith (catholics were being persecuted during this regime) and imprisoned. While in prison, she was made to listen to the screams of her twelve-year-old son being tortured in an adjacent cell. Her cruel captors would torment her further by describing to her afterwards how they had tortured her child. She was beheaded at the age of 36 because she would not renounce her faith.

Having children, my friend and I wondered whether if faced with a similar choice we would choose faith or our children.

We pray we never have to make that decision, and also pray for those around the world who even today have choices like that to face.

Today's gospel reading is related to this. It is from Luke 14: 25-33. I'll let you read it for the details. Basically, Jesus addresses the crowds and tells them that if they choose to follow Him, all else comes second--family included. And then he asks who, if planning a project (I'm very much paraphrasing here) does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion.

You think about your choice, you understand what it can cost you, and you continue forward--not in blindness, but in full understanding of the consequences.

Following Jesus is not for the faint-hearted. It is not a "happy" life, per se. It is joyful, and full of peace, but Jesus did not promise us happiness on this earth. We are asked to follow a God/man who leads us to the cross.

I've been praying since age 17 that if presented a situation where my choice to follow Him could mean I give my life, that He give me the grace and strength to say yes to Him. I pray now that if presented a situation where my choice to follow Him could mean my children lose their lives, that He give me the strength and the grace to say yes to Him. To give life for Life.

Because without Him, nothing else matters or has meaning. Not even my children's lives.

My 93-Year-Old Teacher

Things I was reminded of today:

You can still see without your eyesight. You just see different things.

A half hour of focused attention and listening reduces the lonliness in a human heart.

Our God-given desires to love and be loved do not diminish even in older age.

We are not our bodies solely. But they are our vessels on this earth, and we are subject to their limitations. And we don't have to like it.

Everyday we have opportunity to submit to God's will. 93-year-olds get more practice at this. And it may still be a struggle.

Our quest to determine the meaning and purpose and impact of our lives does not fade with age.

I feel an envy for a 93-year-old with a terminal illness because as far as I know, she gets to see Jesus face to face before I do.