we all want to be noticed by others

I know my blog has been kinda quiet lately. I guess that's a good thing. It means I'm at peace inside. I often use writing to work out angst in my heart. So no angst......less writing.

Thanks for being faithful to check in.

Here's a link to a columnist that I love. He really speaks of heart issues that all of us experience but often don't know how to put into words. This column particularly spoke to me. Maybe it will to you, too:

http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/archive_display.php?rec_id=384

Happy Advent!

Dressing Up

The end of one of today's readings (from Romans 13: 11-14) says, "But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the desires of the flesh."

Do I consciously do this every morning as I start my day? Do I "put on" Christ? I need to be more diligent about doing this daily.

The problem is.....to put Him on, I either need to take self off, or put Him on over self. And too often I kinda like my self to show. Self is comfortable. It's easy. It's like a pair of jammy pants or broken-in blue jeans. I like the admiration I get for self sometimes. I want to take credit.

But the cool thing is.....if I'm diligent to put on Christ, it's a natural consequence that I make no provisions for the desire of the flesh. Because it's Christ I wear then and not myself. Self and all of its desires are left in the hamper. And even though I don't get credit, I'm more attractive to more people because God is love.

So I hope you don't see "me" tomorrow. I hope you see that I have dressed up and put on Christ.

Cross Standard

With the feast last Sunday of Christ the King, and a women's conference I attended last week about being the daughter of the King, and watching a movie about Joan of Arc last week and the second Lord of the Rings movie (whew! long sentence), I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a daughter of the King. And Kingship. And His kingdom.

I get to meet the King someday, maybe sooner than later. And this is not a stranger King, this is a King that I know!

And I got to thinking .....how do I want to dress to meet the King (hypothetically speaking, of course)? Would I want to be dressed in my fanciest, finest clothes, or would I want to be in my battle gear, my coat-of-arms, bearing His standard?

I was thinking that I would like to meet Him in my battle gear bearing his standard. And then I read this quote from the book, "The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur." It is taken from a letter she wrote to her godson on the occasion of his first communion. She says,

"You ought not to be a laggard in the Christian army, but one of those stout-hearted leaders of men who encourage others and plant their standard--the cross--more or less everywhere in the world and in the souls of men."

Whoa. In my image of meeting the King, I'm carrying the standard in the form of a banner. But of course the King's standard is the cross. He promises us suffering for His sake on this earth. And we share in the suffering of Christ as the church militant.

It's just a more humbling image. I still want to bear his standard. But do I have the strength to bear it to the end if it is a cross??

Taking Inventory

Hullo. I know many people take inventory of their lives--personality, relationships, goals, fitness, financial state, etc--at the turn of the year. I am blessed (??) to be at the whim of my constantly churning mind which does a pre-scheduled (the schedule of which is unknown to me until it happens) accounting of all of the above. It did it this week. I suppose it was the combination of Thanksgiving and my birthday.

The inventory totals are still computing and configuring, but the preliminary results are out. Here are some of them:

I always tell my boys that no matter what, you can ALWAYS find something to be thankful for. Always. Even if it is that the day will end. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. So much.

I need to work on fading away into the background. I know this seems paradoxical to say, but it is the only way that my needs are met and that there is peace in my heart. It's a mystery, I know. And a constant battle to push on to that spot. But to there I must go. To nobody land. There has been too much of me on parade lately.

I'm reminded that my first charge is to be a wife and a mother. It is also the place that gets me most quickly to nobody land if I'm doing that job right. So back to the grindstone with that.

Although I meet God intensely in some of the adventure and excitement of life, it is in the ordinary, mundane, everyday affairs that He takes his chisel to me to keep filing off the rough edges. I need to stop fidgeting and sit patiently so He completes His work in all faithfulness.

We all suffer. I want to be even better at encouraging others in the midst of theirs, in spite of my own.

And finally albeit more lightly in some ways, I'm reminded how much I love to run. It reminds me of the gift of my health. I imagine the breeze on my face as the physical touch of God. And I want to keep doing it for as long as I can. I'm only in my middle late 30s, for Pete's sake, so I will continue to go. (Did 5 miles today in low 30-degree weather--starting to brace for the real winter cold. Next goal at this point is a half marathon in St. Louis in April. We'll see.)

Thank-you, God for my faith. For my family. For my friends. For all of the random strangers you put into my life that teach me things about humanity and about myself. Let's go for another 37 years, shall we?

God Redeems Our Weakness

Whew! What a week. I was so emotionally exhausted this week, I couldn't bring myself to blog. Even if I could, words would not have done it justice. Suffice it to say, I had some very profound experiences through work.

Anyway, during my devotion time this morning, I found a meditation I had torn out of a book last year and placed in the cover of the book I picked up this morning. For some reason the thoughts struck me today again and I wanted to share parts of it here. I cannot take credit for the thoughts. It was written by a man named Father Jacek Buda. He starts of talking about the color gray being the color of dullness. And then he goes on:

"The problem is located somewhere between great sin and great love, in the vast haze of imperfect friendships, unfulfilled promises, incomplete victories, plans delayed to infinity. It is a constant, omnipresent weakness, an endless capacity for mediocrity. Our dreams rarely come true--and when they do, they are just a pale shadow of what we expected. Our loves and friendships, though intense and full of promise, are also fragile and full of deception. How many times have we caught ourselves trying to possess or to manipulate other people? How many times have our prayers for others been nothing more than showing off for ourselves? What scares us the most is the suspicion that this is all it means to be human.

....This means that the way to get out of the gray is not to be afraid of it. If we accept our life, our loves and friendships and our work for what they are, and if we have the courage to receive them with all talent and energy, then past the haze of mediocrity, boredom, and even suffering, I will see Christ. Christ's humanity is not a limitation or an embarrassment; it is the way in which God chose to save his creatures. His cross is not a failure; it is his victory and hope for us. Christ is the Son who became man so that 'the Father may see and love in us what he sees and loves in Christ.' Thanks to him I don't have to be afraid of my weaknesses and limitations. As long as I don't give up, I am on the road to him."

My thoughts now (to myself as I strive to progress along the continuum of loving ever more purely and less selfishly)......

Examine your relationships. How do you use even good things to pull to have needs met for yourself that should be met through God first? In those ways you are not loving purely, unconditionally.

God, help me with this.

(I'm sick of praying this prayer and look forward to heaven when I won't need to pray it any more!!!)

Answered Prayer, but.....

I pray for humility, Lord, and you answer me. Thank-you.

......but bleccchhh.

But thank-you.

Just Some Saturday Afternoon Meanderings of the Mind

I know I've been praying for humility, but I don't really want God to answer this prayer.

God gave me the gift (??) of being able to analyze things. It made me good at math. I was good at drafting--I was going to be an architect. It has made me a good counselor in hospice work. Sometimes it makes me a good partner in a relationship.

Do any of you have this gift (??)? You may have this gift (??) if you have ever had people over the course of your life say things to you like:

"Lighten up!"

"You think too much."

"You need to let loose a little and be more fun."

and (in response to a question)..."I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it before."

Sometimes I feel abnormal, but then when I think about the word abnormal, I realize it really isn't an accurate word because I don't know what "normal" is because all I know is what I know--not other people's "normal". Sigh.

Today this gift (??) is driving me batty. I'm sick of myself. I wish I could kick myself out and have a break from myself. Self--get out!...................it didn't work.

It all ties in with humility. I'm thinking about a way I have let some friends down. There's really no resolution outside of deeper humility, more strict hiding of self, and greater selflessness and humility on my part. The thing I keep thinking about is that I know I will fail and disappoint again and that I don't like how I feel and that God is actually answering the prayer I prayed to him to be more humble. Gaaah!

(side note: be careful what you ask God for in prayer)

But I'm just plain sick of thinking and turning this around in my head.

I wish I was like someone who'd say, "Just let it go. Let it roll off your back."

So as an act of the will I now say, "Thank-you, God. And continue to make me more like you. Purify my heart. Give me the strength and grace to love others as you love them, and let it not be about how I want to be loved."

A Pot Dares to Critique the Potter

I've been thinking about this statement from a book I'm reading:

"But just as God gives different kinds of faces to people and not one single type of face, so He gives different kinds of occupations and not one."

I'm sorry, Lord, but sometimes I wish I had a different face, or different ability, or someone else's gifts. Other gifts sometimes seem so much more dynamic, or charismatic, or attractive. I think, "if only I was like so and so, people would like me more."

Such pride......such arrogance.

Forgive me, God, for my dissatisfaction with how you made me at times. You know I've come a long way in this. It's been one of those days. I seem so ordinary at times. Help me to be content in my vocation and abilities.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite scriptures as I think about this: "But who indeed are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Will what is made say to its maker, 'Why have you created me so?' Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for a noble purpose and another for an ignoble one?" Romans 9:20-21

I stand reprimanded. You, God, are the potter. I am the clay. I have no right to say to you, "I don't like the common use you made me for. I don't like your artistry...your creativity. Why don't you remove that ridge from this spot, and add a splash of color over there. I'd rather look more like that pot over there."

Who am I that I dare to critique the work of your hands?

What's that old bumper sticker saying ... "....God don't make no junk"??

Put this pot on a shelf Lord that all who see it may glorify you and praise you as the artist. Let me reflect a part of your infiniteness to the world around me.

Thanks, Father Joel!

I listened to a homily today of a friend of ours. He was ordained to the priesthood in July. At his inaugural mass, he spoke about God's call on our lives (the theme of the scripture readings for that day....which, for you non-catholics.....run on a 3-year cycle in the liturgy. So they are "pre-set", so-to-speak. Coincidence? I think not!).

Anyway, he said he realized in seminary that he was waiting for this big moment where he would choose to be a priest in answer to God. In reality, he found that he answered this call daily. Every morning when his alarm went off at 5:15 for morning prayer and mass, he had the choice to get out of bed or to sleep in. He chose to get up. When he met someone who was suffering, he had the choice to listen to them or not. He chose to listen.

So he was answering God's call to him, but sometimes moments at a time, day to day. And it got me to thinking that often I strive and pray to grow spiritually to a certain image I have in my mind of how I should be. Or I think about what God will call me to in the future. And I forget the here and now. And that God calls me daily....even several times a day.

Do I choose to clean the house for my family, or piddle away time on the computer? Do I choose to sit and listen to my boys, or multi-task and offer an occasional, "really?" "oh, wow!" Do I choose to start my morning with prayer, or get right into my long list of stuff to get done? Do I choose to participate in gossip, or walk away from the conversation?

Hmmpf. There is that "live in the moment" theme that has been so prevalent lately on my mind.

The other thing Fr. Joel's homily reminded me of is that God's call to us is never convenient. And it always requires sacrifice.

But God only calls us to what he first lived himself.

Help me choose you, Lord. Every moment.

(Found this quote by Rich Mullins on another blog, and thought it fit great here):

"Never forget what Jesus did for you. Never take lightly what it cost Him. And never assume that if it cost Him His very life, that it won't also cost you yours."
Lufkin, Texas (July 19, 1997)

I Have a Friend

....who really only seems to pursue me when something is needed from me: a listening ear, a favor, an idea, an affirmation, etc. I love to help but sometimes wonder.....am I likable just for who I am? Does this person care to know about my day, or why I may be sad, or what the desires of my heart are? Should I even desire that they know me....or is this selfish?

I find that so many people today are so absorbed with themselves or their crazy schedules that they don't take the time to stop, look around, and connect. Or if there is the pretension of care, it is in order to receive something in return. They miss out on a lot of the richness around them.

This is one of the reasons I love my job with hospice. I occasionally (more often than in the "well" world) get to meet people on their deathbed where all pretension is stripped away. Their words mean what they say. There are no underlying or hidden meanings, no reading between the lines. No crap.

Do I do this, Lord? Help me to pursue others because they have a soul, and not for what they can do for me.

My Pondering for Today....

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Silence is the safe guardian of humility.

--Elisabeth Leseur

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Bobette the Builder

I read a post today describing motherhood (but we can substitute parenthood for you males) analagous to building a great cathedral. It talks about the strenuous, rewarding, vision-casting, perseverance-testing, seemingly endless and repetitive job of raising children. The article said there are four similarities:

1. No one can say who built the great cathedrals—we have no record of their names.
2. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
3. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
4. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

I love analogies. But I had two reactions to this one. The first--irritability.....because:

1. I want my name known.
2. I want to see the influence and impact of my actions.
3. I want credit.
4. I want others' eyes to see my building--not just God's eyes.

O.k. So I'm not proud of those, even though I am prideful. Hmmmph. But there is hope for me. My second set of reactions (albeit more slow to come around than the first.....work on that, God, 'k?) are thus:

1. As long as the job is finished and my boys come to know Him, my name can be mud.
2. I will see it finished one day.....God willing!!! (in heaven!)
3. I can do sacrifice, and without credit. I'm getting better! God's brought me a long way! and there are days when the realist in me knows absolutely that "there by the grace of God go I," and by nothing of my own effort whatsoever.
4. Knowing God's eyes see everything helps me persevere in the building.

Build on, construction workers, build on!!

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Remember that movie?? With Lily Tomlin? Am I aging myself? It's a movie about a woman who....well.....shrinks. Physically. As in shorter and shorter and smaller and smaller. So hold on to that image....

Today in our church liturgy we remember the martyrdom of John the Baptist. The gospel reading about his execution is Mark 6: 17-29. A meditation I read quoted John the Baptist from John 3:30:

"He must increase, but I must decrease."

So this morning when I read that, I thought, "I want to be the incredible shrinking woman where I decrease, but God increases." And I thought that I would try to practice that today. Here's how it went.....

While drinking my coffee, my son was preparing his breakfast. "Mama, can you help me pour the milk?" I was comfy on the couch. ((He must increase, but I must decrease)) "Ok, honey." I got my butt off of the couch. I shrank a little

Having just wiped up the mud dragged into the mudroom by children yesterday, same children ask "Can we go outside to play?" It's still muddy outside, and I want the clean floor to last at least an hour. ((He must increase, but I must decrease)) "No. Not right now. Stay in for a while and find something else to do." I got bigger.

Looking at the piles (and I mean PILES) of laundry, I pondered whether to try to get it caught up or leave it for another day, also considering a conversation with my husband recently about how one of the ways he feels loved is to come home to a house in order. ((He must increase, but I must decrease)) I did the laundry. I shrank a little.

Getting close to supper time, I was playing on the computer. My husband got home from work and I thought to myself that I should get supper ready. I also thought to myself that I had worked all day and deserved a little time to relax, no matter hubbie hadn't had any of that time yet. ((He must increase, but I must decrease)) I chose to stay planted in front of the computer. I got bigger.

Needless to say, I'm the same size now that I was this morning. Sigh. Tomorrow's another practice day. Maybe one of these days I'll succeed and be smaller at the end of the day than when I started the day.

I'll end with a quote related to this theme: "We will know God to the extent that we are set free from ourselves."--Pope Benedict XVI

Lord, set me free from myself!!!!

Resolutions I relate to

I've said I'm reading a book called "The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur". Her heart so resonates with mine, and I thought today's post would be the section from her diary I read this morning. This is a bit long, so I apologize, as I've been trying to keep my posts short and sweet. This is more for my benefit, as much of it about loving others hit home to me today.

My resolutions: to love despite the disappointment, rejection, and misunderstandings. To keep my heart soft.

Here's her entry from October 7, 1905:

"Firmer resolution to have deep inner stability, and to accept as a trial that does not touch the depths this assault of troubles, agitations, and confusions that, to be sure, have their cause in my health, and also the painful disappointments caused by certain persons. To love those who have betrayed my confidence and made me suffer, or at least to pardon them fully. Not to assign to others my own faults, but to accept the humiliation of having given my confidence too quickly and of having committed these faults. For the future, without discouragement or bitterness, to practice great prudence in regard to work and new connections, and in all things to observe the greatest moderation. To give myself to everyone in charity, but not to let everyone enter into my heart, which I must not open too lightly. To welcome an affection only when I have solidly proved its value, and yet to have kindness for all. Never to compromise with ideas and principles, and yet to be full of indulgence for those who differ most widely from me in their point of view. To maintain, by prayer and daily effort, integrity of will and moral energy in spite of the oppression and failure caused by ill-health. It was, I think, Bichat who said, 'The soul makes its body.' And when God dwells in the soul, how shall it not be stronger than the very evil that acts upon its body and sometimes overwhelms it?"